A long story ... 
Seated in front of his office, Vesta's eyes on the white wall.
For many months she wondered about the veracity of the "View" troubled by all the contradictions that are found between what everyone sees himself or the world, as it expresses and that Vesta herself or sees these contradictions discerne.Toutes maintain doubt and generate a steady stream questioning. Maybe she does not really know after all!
Sometimes, as disillusioned by the light it throws almost desperately, navigating between what she sees and knows itself, al contrario often gaze of others (but would not it rather a lack of look?), Vesta meeting today the need for careful adjustment of its vision itself, as much so, that the affairs of the world around him. She is anxious, a look adjusted to the truth, the reality full of things seen and experienced. Achieve real objectivity it has always been considered a challenge in this world where subjectivity reigns supreme sensation to think.
Weaving space and time appear to him or indivisible or inseparable, Vesta therefore undertook to review all the vision of days gone by preserved.
revise its own subjective disabilities, noted bluntly thoughts emotional gestures and reagents for which it has so often psychologically submissive, sincere scrutinize the acts often subjection to the environment, sometimes intentionally, without however being able to measure real density, the underlying reality of intention.
Too many days pass without that nothing will touch, feel, grow awareness.
N'extrapolant yet on the outcome of possible discoveries, Vesta dares however, that this research, voluntary, requires discipline, constant vigilance, undivided attention of major and minor acts that are intended to re-view in order to track down the truth from falsehood, to absolve themselves of the lie that probably still exists in it, even today on snapshots yet of minor importance.
At trial, the intense gaze of vigilance is required.
Watch ... is an act of simple appearance except in the case rather see precisely what is behind the look and identify what the act of looking at the surface would reveal in greater depth.
Can you see forever, really, what is, or let us look at what we think, which is to say, we just do not see what we want, ignoring the truth so relentless?
Vesta recalls a draft of his thinking, made fast enough to silence for fear of serious conflicts with her mother. In the facts of the daily pointed gaze highlighting some fine vision has served many times and if Vesta "Sees" its progenitor, the latter, certainly, does not "see" Vesta.
Furthermore, the maternal gaze self blind to retain more or less consciously a pleasant look on itself. Discover in themselves manifestations judged by the moral world, or thinking, negative, bad or unhealthy, is not easy to live.
If the eye accepts certain tendencies at the cost of mental self-indulgent and particularly severe and critical of others.
Keep a good self image to survive psychologically represents, really, the hand-placing of mental spilled on the next subject therefore to appear.
Here, Vesta does not practice any harsh criticism of her mother, just the sharp blade of his love for her, the sign and there are so many people making identical, the mental battle they became unconscious hostages it has become familiar.
Today, at each occurrence of this tactic so reassuring for anyone who uses it without even guess, Vesta pose, his eyes simply, lucidly neutral, quiet.
The tactic is fascinating.
Listening as the eye can rarely be separated from the ear, Vesta easily observed that these beings are indeed "Views" in truth, and how, with a dizzying speed their amazing mental capacity of recovering bar, allowing them to find all the best reasons to have thought, spoken and acted in such and such ways. If
Vesta believed in Heaven and how everyone, she would bless him for failing to show a certain slowness of mind, which ultimately allowed him freeze frames interesting and effective.
Ah ... The slowness of mind ...
Consciously riveted listening to the image that appeared under each his own, the existence of Vesta was held under the thumb of a permanent appearance of contradiction . She listened, nodded and said nothing and acted in the end letting arise behavior that was probably a response, but for which his interlocutors, who knows!
It appeared at times that her mother was receiving something of that trait, found no real personality, and it did not help them.
Vesta felt that his mother saw in this behavior as rebellion against authority ... authority. His mother belonged and still belongs probably to this type of characters with strong characters, who cling to ideas like a lifeline. Outside opinion, no hello!
Whatever the truth, mother chose a problem with her daughter and took an appointment in a medical psychological diagnosis psychologue.Le oddly cut for the swollen glands. Vesta
How could she give them in his state of the child as a teenager, she could not discern what she had to do here on earth, and that this ignorance collective, they cherished the hope of finding a reason to be watching his vis-à-vis.
False Hope. Terrible hope.
She could never find anything or anyone, really to agree, without becoming totally be able to tune both links to others it appeared tear-proof.
Without knowing what it was, who she was, what she wanted or wished there was a completely incomprehensible ... something unknown to her did not correspond in any way with what she could observe them .
She did not understand what she saw. Something was not right.
Between "Say" and "View" s'écartelait some sort of malfunction.
At the heart of the crowd known as the grandparents, parents, friends, teachers and other events of childhood and adolescence, Vesta is already destined to learn, without even perceiving it clearly, the incredible true but oh, the loneliness of everyone.
It was not for lack of sharing impressions of the environment, and it was not a matter of opinion as the "unknown character" which generated "images" only managed to assume any of the views or beliefs expressed while designing easily emotions and reactions to each. She knew at that time, the possibility of an existential be manifested as a "mere witness" because she lived in this state any unconsciousness.
Through his perceptions at every moment she tried, desperately, but with some success, to become truly "actor".
By reflection effect, she discovered during adolescence, a very pronounced taste for the theater. Sadly (perhaps) outside the "Vigils" at holiday camps and school cultural interludes during which she has on several occasions, literally burned the boards and received warm applause, it failed to stay on this path. Something about body image had shifted negatively to prevent the leap to go forward, dare to behead the idea of a real physical impossibility.
It became obvious and vital to the quality of its domestic tranquility, and altogether "more convenient" to stick to the function of observer.
The idea (of the physical impossibility) was also much air, so lightly made in the heart of his mind, that it was only much later, in a contradictory moment in which some form of " personality very personal "seemed to want to draw it became aware of this situation fait.En reality, and as Vesta looks today, it was diving into the common impressions and agreeing to cons heart, thought that a sense of inferiority (idea put forward by a "shrink") the gnawing. In this sense
s'émargeait very shy as a Statement ... "I said" by the power holder "shrink" this false truth kept him so little company for decades. Shyness, secured by the medical parole thrust forward, stood there, quiet, discreet, ready to emerge as soon as the vigilance of the look gave way to the mental pressure.
In truth, the opportunities pointèrent, rarely their noses, Vesta lived her eyes, far more than its mentalization.
Disclosed ... shared truth ...? Impossible! That's the only conclusion she could do.
Stand, as calmly as possible in observing and acting according to his feelings, even if was to be presented contradictory images led him to believe she really was what she became. In these moments there, the attitude gave him the idea of being with someone ... well ... however, a sense of strangeness. It becomes
here can "see" how the illusion can germinate and spread.
Thus Vesta has offered a range of behaviors of the most diverse in the pure laissez-faire intuitive, and in the most appalling lack of understanding parenting. How
express to her mother as her father, and later her stepfather, she was not receiving anything real and true in the attitudes they have wanted to call and see that aspect of his behavior lymphatic punctuated by bursts of aggressive defense, only depended on his good fortune to live in observing things and people in the hope of understanding what that meant, Living.
Take a position, going into things, Vesta will succeed of course, and even with far more passion than would suspect the "nodes" that bothered them so apparent.
He came to believe that it was only by a chameleon effect to the environment.
You know, like when you take a tone of region where one is on holiday, but by default this bizarre, this seems impossible as to form his own opinions and who grows accurate to investigate carefully to monitor the effects of such and such ideas about consciousness.
Some people around her seem so hooked on the idea that everything is as the world sees, or says, he happens to be wealthy to doubt some intelligence.
Often in the attempt to access the appreciation of things of one or the other, Vesta lost in the space-time vision to seem to dream and to exist by proxy ... how to ...! She manages
therefore, somehow, to get into their eyes as if she submitted to their very strong suggestion, she enlisted in the hallway of their description of things. He then came to believe in their claims to the point of "becoming" what to say and express themselves as full accord.Ce it is not really afraid of passing for an "idiot", unable to accept The idea commonly taken as the truth ... The truth
elsewhere ... Vesta qu'idiotie ignores this may mean, as it does not understand what that intelligence or lack of intelligence might mean.
The "problem" seems to reside in an apparent divergence of perception that generates expressive number of disagreements, if not actual conflicts as much as possible taking refuge in listening without saying a word too, it fits surface, nods to the various arguments in the utopian hope of not disturbing anyone.
Vesta feels good that there is confusion between intelligence and intellectual ability but has not yet Oral discovered a way to express his feelings about it.
The most amazing for its conscious perception is that at each interlude of our coverage in a belief that a priori do not have, it almost becomes the most capable and most desperate to convince others of the veracity of this belief. In this singular state of "sympathy" to the environment, its "person" does not exist, and only the consciousness in a remote corner lets look to the astonishment of this sort of duplication.
It is difficult to express feelings with words, however, this condition makes the effect that the apperception of the truth, if one is possible only by the grace of this game the mirror and taking into account the personal certainty of the other, his own enhanced awareness of a doubt (neither expressed nor disclosed) offers a broader perspective.
Thus, Vesta can say what the other thinks, although she herself does not believe, and it is at the heart of this statement reveals that the chance of another truth, equally possible and equally unlikely that the previous one. One such
the other remains in the current state of his conscience, unverifiable.
It is as if the truth could not occupy any space, can infiltrate anywhere else than in yourself. Do you see what Vesta?
should be Truth itself to assert itself!
Are we the Truth?
Vesta said that perhaps it is known to be the devil's advocate! Luckily, she does not believe in the devil more than god, then this be indifferent ... almost ... well as through its different and very occasional "writings," a person of his entourage had been led to believe that she totally believed in mystical discourse as it currently employs.
She could here tell us, she invoked these possibilities as tests for which the researcher was unable to prevent the nomination in his mind. In
outline of this invasion, something on the order of an audit is ordered, although other thing is the question of understanding what it might be to check, and why?
Vesta has never really believed in the possibility of verification through a technique psycho spiritual or other similar methods.
But the natural empathy that seems to characterize his life, this amazing way of functioning in everyday life of the human mind, pushed her to enter the heart of some of these techniques.
From the catastrophic effects were then precipitated in the depths of what many would name a shadow, but again raises the question: What shade?
Is the obverse of light?
Or simply asserting its ?
Who could answer him beyond this curious feeling of obligation to the belief in destiny and truth above all else, the mental comfort?
What is certain, for Vesta, is that his discovery of the possibility of defending an idea that we do not believe the face of individuals who believe and do believe in moving in this direction in order to find a psychological comfort, has been a while: "essential." Even
writing, Vesta sees in what she sets out a snapshot, a dazzling spontaneous gushing over a second time.
believe in something it appears as nonsense, as a lack of movement in time and space to live, like a comfortable grip avoiding confrontation at nothing, emptiness, nothingness, to the unknowing natural , failure to find permanent as always in flux.
Everything for her is from a single witness to the sense of presence in the world, his feelings, questions unanswered effective it can not totally ignore him because his brain has irreversibly at the turn of all meetings .
Everything here, everywhere and in everything, is history to show oneself, to oneself ... a simple way of expressing feelings, questions that beset any mental being, filling turn of pain and joy, pain and well-being.
A simple story to testify to and from the pain and fullness, the magic mirror of death and life.
Excerpt from "A Look at Yesterday" from Muttifree - 1998
Originally posted in September 2007
